Him or You

There is this song by Colbie Caillat who I refer to as my soul singer, Him or You. It's about a love triangle although when I title this blog post that the You is me. If you read my last blog post you that sending Landon to kindergarten was something that was very difficult for me to think about. I posted it and thought that I felt better. I really did.. That following Wednesday I admitted something to myself after everyone in the house was asleep. I was having a very hard time. I sobbed. I woke Jimmy and we talked about it. I told him that I need to just accept that this hard for me and move forward with it. "He is going. He will be fine and I will be fine..." I think. We decided at midnight that night that it made the most sense to wait a year and that there really seem to be no cons to waiting. So that's it folks... My boy will start kindergarten next year. The school supplies were bought and so was the back pack and lunch box. We talked to Landon and he was totally ok, either way. That's my boy. He is totally okay either way. Through all of this I became even more aware of the idea, "is what I'm doing for me, or for him." Let's face facts, friends. We say that what we do is for our kids. It's all about them, right. I don't know about you but I have moments, probably more than I even realize, in which its really about me. Stop calling me at night after I put you to bed! Is that about him, or me and my precious "me time." Stop jumping around in the line at the trampoline park! Is it about them or am I aware of the little girl in front of us who stands so still and patiently waiting for her sticker to go jump on the trampoline. I am getting better- I promise I am. I fall short though, and that's totally okay because I learn a heck of a lot when I fall. Yesterday, at the trampoline place, my big boy connected at the Dodge Ball area with a few kids his age. Connecting at a dodge ball area seems a bit concerning for a parent anyway, right? Kidding. Anyway, my perception was that Landon was being, well bullied, by his new friends who he was so excited about. Landon was anything but distressed but my adult brain "knew" that there may be a bit of teasing the smaller kid going on. I intervened only to check on my boy. I actually wanted to throw the ball at the kids and knock them off the wall that they sat on watching as Landon tried to get up- but I digress. Instead I went to Landon as he lay on the trampoline as they jump around him tossing him about and asked if he needed help getting up. He accepted my help and I bent down to ask him if he felt like everyone was playing nice. He said yes and that he was having fun just as one of the girls jumped at me saying "he said he is going to get us." I calmly told her that it didn't look to me that he was getting anyone but that the three kids seemed to all be getting him at the same time. I stated some of the things I saw and told her that Landon seemed to be okay with it but that it really hurt my heart. She confidently said, "are you his mom?" And I told her that I was, at which point she walked away. Later in the car, I asked Landon if it was okay that I talked to his new friend like I did or would he prefer that I not say anything. He said, "You don't have to say anything Mommy. I'm just having fun." I realized at that moment that it really was about me. I excused it by telling myself, and a few close confidants, that it worried me to think that he could be a kid that finds his place by allowing himself to be a target. But I once heard that stress occurs when we think too much about the past or too much into the future and that's what I was doing- thinking about what his future relationships may look like. The message I gave him was that I don't trust that he knows when something doesn't feel right because of my perception of what was going on in that moment. It didn't matter that he was enjoying himself and happily playing with his new buddies. So that's that... In that moment, it was about me. So I get up, dust myself off and will try again.