Feelings

I realize that as a parent, you sometimes have to set aside your feelings and keep them there, in order to parent in the way you feel you need and want to. This has allowed me to sit in another room while Landon cries it out in bed and certainly is getting me through separation issues at preschool. We got home from spending time at my mom's tonight. Jimmy is out of town overnight so I gave him a bath, read stories and put him to bed. This is usually Daddy's thing, but only in the past couple of months. It used to be me on most nights. Anyway, Landon was pretty adamant about not wanting to go to bed. I left him crying after reading several books and telling him it was time for bed. I called Jimmy after leaving the room and Jimmy asked if we could do a quick video chat. I agreed since he was upset and I knew I had to go back in to check on him. It was just what Landon needed. He was so excited to see his Daddy! Unfortunately, he still was having a hard time going to bed. I ended up staying with him until he fell asleep. As I sat with him, it gave me the opportunity to just watch my baby boy and to think. Think about how much I love and adore him, how I would do anything to make him happy and relieve his distress... It's almost a painful and vulnerable feeling. To think of anything or anyone hurting him makes my heart hurt- missing his daddy, the affects of Cystinosis, his first love breaking his heart, someone hurting his feelings... Yes, this is why I put my feelings aside a lot of the time. If not, I would never let him cry and figure it out himself. I would be creating a bit of a monster. Instead I will let my feelings out by smothering him with kisses and cuddles...

Moving On...

In all of the busyness of big boy beds and preschool, I forgot to share some news. Landon had his one year evaluation for the early intervention services- in other words, all of his therapy. He was tested in several areas including gross motor, fine motor, perceptual development, expressive language and receptive language. At baseline, he scored below average in gross motor (walking) and expressive language (verbal speech). Well, I was given the news that he scored average or above average in all areas!!! This time last year, Landon was just started to walk with assistance and today he was running around the park, he jumped with both feet off of the ground (he has done this a few times but not consistently), and climbing up onto the first row on the monkey bars. Because of his scores, he does not qualify for services anymore. I am a little sad because we had a terrific group of women who were so patient and so good with Landon but I think we are ready. Yes, ready to move forward. He will begin meeting with a therapist at the Children's Institute once a week for feeding therapy because we haven't reached our goals yet. Landon did a great job of assuring me that he doesn't need services by walking down our front steps independently and eating pretty well over the past few days. So I genuinely, whole heartedly thank these love women who helped Landon and us. Job well done!

Transitions

They say to only make one transition at a time. Unfortunately timing is a bit off so we are slowly making two big transitions- preschool and a big boy bed. Maybe we should throw potty training in there just for fun, no? No! Potty training isn't even on my radar right now- well, maybe it is but I promise not to act on it. Landon reaching milestones has been pretty easy so far- easy in that it either was a slow process (walking) or he just decided one day to go for it (giving up the binky).. We aren't too used to this tough love kind of thing. I have always felt that Landon did things at his own rate and no sense in stressing or pushing it. But I don't think that the theory will work with preschool or the big boy bed. He seems to only want to go half way in both situations. He will go to school and participate but Mommy stays too... He will lay in his big boy bed but don't put his blanket and Sleep Sheep there because he is not sleeping there... Our plan? Transition him to the big boy bed Supernanny style. Do his normal bedtime routine, put him in bed and face away from him. We are still in the room but not engaging. If he gets out of bed, put him back in without saying anything. As far as preschool, I am going to stay with him and if he seems comfortable and is okay with me leaving then I will but otherwise I am not going to push it, at least for a couple more classes. Wish us luck!!!!

Multiple Personalities

Landon is on the mend, I think. Sick kids, particularly those without the ability to clearly communicate, are pretty confusing. Landon woke this morning in a pretty good mood. He tolerated a full night of Pedialyte through his feeding tube. His belly tolerated 4oz of milk, twice, and all of his meds. He kept asking to go outside so we took a walk, visited Aunt Jaclyn who lives down the street and played at the park. By the time we got home he was a little agitated then I noticed that he was extra clumsy. I suspected that his fever may be returning so gave him Tylenol and put him down for a nap. The confusing part is the abrupt changes in his mood and behavior. One moment he is laying on me looking groggy and the next he says "car," jumps on his car and heads for the door. He goes from acting silly to being ago totaled and clingy. Poor Jimmy came home ready to either play or get some cuddle time on the couch and Landon just wanted me to hold him. He laid with me, them wanted to lay on the floor. Then at 7:30, he stood up and told Jimmy "nigh, nigh." Jimmy took him to his room and by the time his Jammie's were on he seemed like himself again- even insisting that his car go in his bed and that Jimmy should read another book even after being told it was the last one. Oh, and of course he tossed his monkey on the floor only to cry in request for us to return to replace him "fa dahn" he told me. Yes, monkey must have fallen down 10 feet from the crib. Well, hopefully tomorrow is a better day. We are keeping him hydrated and he is getting his meds. That's all I ask at this point!

Best Buddies

The school saga continues- Landon had a tougher day today. One reason, I think, because he knew that Mommy tries to leave and was determined to not allow that to happen. I will to rewind a bit to tell you the second reason. Last night, upon putting Landon to bed and starting his feed, he vomited. Jimmy and I thought that it had to do with lots of running around and being a bit overheated. We stopped the feed and started again right before we went to bed. He woke at 2:30am and vomited again. He also felt warm to me. I tried, without success, to take his temperature so resorted to giving him Motrin, turning off his feed and putting him back to bed. He slept until 8am, held down his first feed of the day and didn't feel warm so off to school we went. He was clingy at school but I took that as being anxious that I would leave. Plus, he had short periods of time in which he played and seemed to have fun. I played the tough love game a bit at school. I refused to hold him and try to only be present and not engaging. We got home and both cried- Landon for his reasons and me because- well, it is not fun to do this while separation thing. Did I handle it ok? What have I done to encourage him to be so attached and anxious? Soon after we got home, I sat on the couch, picked him up and he fell asleep on me. This is not Landon, not at all. So I felt his head... He was burning up. I felt like crap! Poor kid shouldn't even have gone to school. So, we are skipping meds and pushing Pedialyte through his feeding tube slowly, in hopes to keep him hydrated. On another note, I thought back to the morning. We are blessed to have two little boys in our neighborhood, Landon's age, with great parents (an added bonus, of course)- Santino and Ryan. Us parents were just recently talking about how great it will be to see how their friendships form. They have very different personalities now although it seems that they may compliment each other. Well one boy, Santino, is in Landon's class. At least 5 times in the two hours that they were in class today Santino attempted to engage Landon in play. Landon did not reciprocate, but each time, acknowledged Tino and seemed to get what he was doing. Almost as if to say, "Now is not a good time, but thanks dude." It really was sweet! Santino's mom told me that he kept telling her that "Landon sick." Haha.. He knew even though I didn't! Part of me blogged about this day so that I never forget. I think these three boys will take care of each other as they grow. And I want to remember that it all started at the age of 2.

Dear Landon...

My Dearest Landon, I know that you know.. You know I get tired more easily than I used to. You hear that extra effort in my voice that it takes when I pick you up, or when I get up from changing your diaper, or getting you out of the crib, or whatever... I walk slower up the hill than Daddy when he is pushing you in your car, I sit down on the bench when we get to the park because I'm a bit more out of a breath now. And, we are driving to the bank and Rite Aid instead of walking because pushing you up the hill just does not feel like an option. What you don't know is that this is going to get worse until your little brother is here in approximately 20 more weeks. Believe me Buddy, it is totally worth it.. I know! What I also know is that you may be having yourself a bit of a laugh in all of this. I think that you know that your mommy's energy level is no where near what yours is throughout the day. Oh yes, Landon- you know.. Just know that I am on to you, and I will, my boy, get you back some day. That day will certainly not come soon after your brother is here because I know I will have even less energy than I do now, but the day will come. Oh yes, my boy, I will get you back.. Love, Mommy Okay- so of course I am being silly. But we have had a morning in which I just want to collapse on the couch and Landon, well, doesn't... As I sit here typing with "Project Runway" in the background, I remember that the kitchen, dining room and living room are a disaster. So, once I hit Publish, upstairs I will go to retrieve crayons that are mixed in with blocks from his Alphabet Train and to gather toys cars from the hallway, under the couch and crashed throughout the living room. He does make me laugh though... He tries really hard to prolong the stories, the rituals before his nap. Today, he followed my into his room to choose book juggling two cars in his hands (juggling because both were too big for him to hold with only one hand). He looks at my and says, with a very concerned look on his face, "Mama, ChooChoo?" I told him to go ahead and get one ChooChoo train. He brought back one and lined it up beside the two cars that he had already proclaimed were going to bed with him. Today was Day 3 of Pre-School... Landon woke up this morning at 6:30am. His usual wake up time is between 7:30-8:00am so I was a little concerned that his mood wasn't going to be great, particularly if I wanted to disconnect a bit and allow him to show some independence at school. He seemed okay this morning until about 30 minutes before we had to leave and then he wanted to be held and wanted lots of attention. It took some extra silliness on my part to get him to put his shoes and socks on and we had to take a small car with us. Landon really likes to put his backpack in his cubby so that made his mood a little better once we got to school. He wanted to carried into his classroom but then as I put him down, he seemed excited once I reminded him where the bin of dinosaurs is placed. Then his teacher directed his attention to the table with paint. After a few minutes, he wasn't paying much attention to me so I told his teacher that I was going to attempt to go into the hall. I gave him a kiss and told him that I would be back soon. He said, "bye bye!" I couldn't believe it! So, I walked into the hallway and joined several other moms who were waiting with their breath held waiting to hear cries coming from their child. The cries did happen off and on throughout the hour we stood in the hall. We stayed put... About 45 minutes into the hour long class, one mom peeked in and told me that Landon was crying. I actually couldn't really hear him and told myself that his teacher would get me if she needed me. A couple of minutes later, she came out the door and told us all to come in. Landon along with a couple of other kids were crying. His teacher said that she wasn't sure what provoked it. He had been playing, got upset and started crying. Before then, she said he had done very well. I am so proud of my boy! I never thought that I would be able to walk out of that room today. I hope that since he experienced me leaving and coming back, that Thursday's two hour class will not be much of a problem. I still plan to stay at his school just in case.. I wish I knew that at some point in the next couple of weeks, that we will have conquered this anxiety about being left at school, but I know better... I imagine that we have a fair amount of years ahead of us where Landon will cry when he has to go to school and not want to leave my side (returning from summer break, holiday break, a bad morning, a new baby brother...). It's certainly not easy, but inevitable!

Our Little Clown

If we are getting a peek at the boy that Landon is to become as he grows older than I anticipate a lot of phone calls from his schools over the years. He will do anything for a reaction. He has been this way for a while now but lately it seems that he will take his consequence (time out) to get a laugh or simply to push buttons. Then giggles through time out and pulls out the "lines" that usually get him a laugh. Yesterday we joined my mom, sister and brother-in-law for dinner at a restaurant. Landon was told that he had to sit in the high chair until I finished my meal. He stood up and refused to sit down giggling all the while. So I put him in time out next to the table. All laughed and yelled "She! (that's how he says my sister's name) WoWo! (his word for yoyo)! My sister always tells him to say Yoyo because the way he says it is funny. A few days ago he stood up on the seat of his little table... I ignored him knowing that he did it for the reaction. He yells "Ma! and laughs. We alternate between time out and planned ignoring. He does listen after given his consequence but does it with a smile. Yesterday was day 2 of preschool. Moms and Dads were instructed to either wait in the hallway or stay in a designated spot in the classroom and try to engage with our child as little as possible. Half the time was spent trying to get into my lap and the other half was spent playing happily. He actually held his teacher's hand which made me smile since it often takes a while for him to allow someone to hold him or touch him. Next Tuesday his teacher will have the parents stand by the door and then we will stand in the hallway on Thursday. I know he will be okay. It it is really tough! It's not always easy growing up...

Not so gentle reminders...

I was faced with a reality twice today that my baby boy is no longer a baby. Today we met Landon's teacher. She, and the classroom aid, seem wonderful. We talked about some things she may notice and specifically that Landon needs unlimited access to water. Landon did pretty well. He wasn't very clingy and seemed interested in the toys and classroom. I plan to spend time there two more times and then, hopefully, he will be okay to stay without me. Then this afternoon Jimmy, Landon and I visited Ikea and chose a bed and dresser for Landon. His crib is going to move next door to his little brothers room for his arrival in January. Landon happily climbed up on the floor model of his new bed. He melted the hearts of his mommy and daddy as he laid his head on the pillow with a wide grin. Now, getting him to go to sleep in it will probably be a different story but we both think that he is ready. Jimmy and I both are enjoying this stage. It's pretty unbelievable that we are at this point. He still seems to be a baby to me but I have the feeling that the new room and bed along with some independence is going to change my thoughts about that... I loved those days but I do look forward to what is to come.