Feelings

I realize that as a parent, you sometimes have to set aside your feelings and keep them there, in order to parent in the way you feel you need and want to. This has allowed me to sit in another room while Landon cries it out in bed and certainly is getting me through separation issues at preschool. We got home from spending time at my mom's tonight. Jimmy is out of town overnight so I gave him a bath, read stories and put him to bed. This is usually Daddy's thing, but only in the past couple of months. It used to be me on most nights. Anyway, Landon was pretty adamant about not wanting to go to bed. I left him crying after reading several books and telling him it was time for bed. I called Jimmy after leaving the room and Jimmy asked if we could do a quick video chat. I agreed since he was upset and I knew I had to go back in to check on him. It was just what Landon needed. He was so excited to see his Daddy! Unfortunately, he still was having a hard time going to bed. I ended up staying with him until he fell asleep. As I sat with him, it gave me the opportunity to just watch my baby boy and to think. Think about how much I love and adore him, how I would do anything to make him happy and relieve his distress... It's almost a painful and vulnerable feeling. To think of anything or anyone hurting him makes my heart hurt- missing his daddy, the affects of Cystinosis, his first love breaking his heart, someone hurting his feelings... Yes, this is why I put my feelings aside a lot of the time. If not, I would never let him cry and figure it out himself. I would be creating a bit of a monster. Instead I will let my feelings out by smothering him with kisses and cuddles...